Music, I Give You My Heart

It is only December 23rd and I actually feel like I have left 2014 in the dust already. After my second heartbreak of the year, I said screw it, and decided 2014 was dead and gone. 

Although I knew making big decisions when you are in an emotionally unhealthy state was not the smartest thing to do, I did it anyhow. 

Expectations

This past year and years before that, basically every year since I became a senior in High School (2008 people. Man, I am getting old), I have struggled with the idea of going to college. 

That is what you do. You graduate high school, go to college, possible go on a mission(I am an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Siants), get married, have kids, and live happily ever after. 

Somehow none of those seemed RIGHT to me.

I consider myself a relatively smart person. I love to learn new things and I have many aspirations. It's just that none of them include school. I love to learn, but on my own terms, and about subjects that I deem important. Thus lies my problem. 

I don't want to go to school.

For years and years and years I felt shamed and looked down upon for not pursuing a degree, or afraid to voice my lack of wanting to further my education in that way. Afraid that not going meant I was a failure.

Revelations

Growing up I saw mothers taking care of their children, and I was taught that the man should provide for the family, and that I should aspire to that. 

So I did. 

This does not make me a failure. Wanting to be a Mom and Wife first does not mean that I have no other aspirations. Just that those are the most important and everything else comes after. 

I will not apologize for that.

Decisions

I don't HAVE to go to school. 

Not going doesn't make me any less than anyone else. 

I can do whatever I feel is right and what will make me HAPPY right now. Not in the unforeseeable future. You would think that this wouldn't be some big realization, but it was. As soon as I accepted that, a weight I never knew was there, was lifted of my shoulders and I felt like anything was possible. 

So strongly due to the encouragement of my Uncle Dustin, I decided to pursue a career in the Music industry. Before this point a singing career was something I thought sounded awesome, but was never a realistic option for me. I'm a small town girl from Idaho, I'm not going to be famous. But why not? I have no idea if I have what it takes, I have no idea if it will ever work out, but by golly I have to give it a shot. 

So grudgingly I finished up the semester (just in case I ever decide to go back) and immediately threw myself into music. 

There is still much to do, and not as much time as I would like to do it, but I know if I put everything that I have into this, it will be worth it. 

When I really want something, when I really love something, I give it my heart and soul. The whole dang thing. I believe if you aren't willing to put all your heart into the things that you love, then you don't deserve them. No if's, and's or but's about it.

So Music,

 I'm not entirely sure how much left I have to give, but I give you every last scarred, bruised, and crumpled pieces of my heart.

Let's use it to make Beautiful music.

What Are You Doing New Years?

I have decided that when the clock strikes Midnight this December 31st, I would like to pretend that this last year never happened. Is anyone with me? 

There were certainly some high points. 

I think. 

There must have been somewhere.

There were, but in fact, it's those I would like most to forget.

It's funny how those happy, fun, and amazing moments can be tarnished by the stupid, horrible, painful ones. Funny in an ironic way that is. This year was crazy, emotional, hard, and.....educational? But worth it? When I'm an old lady I'm sure I will look back and think so.

Confessions from a Recently Domesticated Single White Female

This is the first installment of what I hope to be a recurring post about the shenanigans of someone new to this whole relationship thing. You know, being the 'we', 'us', or 'they'. 

A little background. The beginning of this year, just before turning 24, I entered my first 'serious' relationship. In other words, for the first time in my dating life, I upgraded from the perpetual friend with benefits, to the girlfriend. Two and a half months later I found myself in the midst of my first break up, and now I am almost 3 months in to my second relationship. I know, it's a bit crazy. And I still feel like the rookie. The newbie. As November begins and the year is coming to a close I can't help but look back and reflect on everything that has happened. It's all happened pretty fast and sometimes the only way for me to sort through all my thoughts is to write them down. I hesitate a little as I post this. I don't want anything to come off in a way that I didn't intend it to, but I keep getting this nagging feeling in the back of my head that I should post it. I don't know why, maybe it will help someone realize some things about themselves. I hope so.

So here is a little sneak peak into what I assume is the collective mind of the Recently Domesticated Single White Female.

1. We will lose sleep, but its not your fault. When we leave your house to go home(or you leave ours), no matter what time it is or how tired we are, we don't go to bed right away. Once home, we have our personal time where we do our nightly ritual(s). Whether it be watching an episode of our favorite T.V, show, eating a snack(ok, ok, a meal), or taking a shower. It's not that we can't or don't want to do these things with you (except that last one, keep it clean people), we just are used to doing these things by ourselves. To get us ready for our sleepy time. Plus being around you is like our own personal for of crack cocaine and it takes time to come down off that high. So, compliment given. You're welcome.

2. We are insecure, forever and always. Ok, probably not forever, or always, but in our experiences, no one has wanted to or been able to stick with us. We have never had anyone like you in our life and every day we wonder how long it could last. How long will you be able to put up with us? It's not that we need promises of forever, not right away anyhow. But knowing every day, or every week, or just when you happen to show it, that for now, you still care? That's enough. That's everything. So, please forgive us if this comes out every once in a while and turns us into a basket case. It's not your fault, we are just crazy. Don't worry, it's temporary. It will go away.

3. Sometimes we literally just, don't, know. When we are sitting in silence, we aren't upset. Well I guess maybe sometimes we are, so it's great that you ask, but most times we really just aren't thinking. We are just content in where we are and who we are with and we are just letting our brains relax and relish in the good feeling of just.....being. Or we are thinking, but to fully get across our thoughts, it would take a couple hours and a pad of paper, to get it down just right, and convey it in just the right way. For example: We could be sitting there wondering. Just wondering. Wondering at how the heck we got here? How we came to be a we and how here you are with me and its good. We are literally in wonderment of our good fortune. That's probably the most concise way to put it. But do you know how long it took me to come up with that? At least one month and you asking 3 or 4 times. If we say "I don't know" that's what we mean, or it's the best possible answer we can give to you at the time, without blatantly lying. Everything is so new and we are experiencing it so fresh that we haven't had time to process and really be thinking much of anything at all. We are just enjoying the experience for what it is. Is that such a bad thing?

4. We don't know how to be vulnerable. I understand that isn't exactly something you have to know how to do, but I mean outwardly. We don't know how to be outwardly vulnerable. When we try, it's often incredibly awkward and often doesn't come out even close to what we were actually thinking or planning to say. And the question, statement, or act that may come naturally to you or others, is the complete opposite for us. It's like accidentally stapling your finger and then pulling said staple out, really, really slow like. You go in it all "Oh, I'm just going to staple this paper and it's going to be easy, everyone does it". Then, BAM! Staple in the finger and you're on the verge of tears and you don't quite know what happened. Then you realize and you feel so incredibly stupid but there is nothing you can do now, except pull that staple right out, wipe the blood, and bandage it up nice and tight. So if we are trying to be vulnerable or doing something that obviously makes us uncomfortable, try not to ask us too many questions, because chances are, we only played out so many scenarios while preparing, and if you throw one at us that we aren't prepared for, our brains will completely shut down and we will become bumbling idiots. Unless you think that's cute. Then I guess it's okay every once in a while.

Are there any other Recently Domesticated Single White Females out there? Did I get anything wrong? What have your experiences been? Is there anything specific I should talk about next post? Am I the only one in this "how the heck do I even do this?" boat? Comment below! 

Hey Energizer Bunny, SHUT UP AND GO TO BED!

You know those people who have their life all figured out, they know exactly what they want and they are completely content? You know, those people who go to work, come home, do the dishes, make dinner, watch some tv and then go to bed to do it all again the next day? I am not one of those people.

Me? I wake up in the morning, if you can call what I do waking up. I lay in bed for probably an hour before I feel I'm ready to face the world. As I lay there I file through the list of things I should or could do that day and try to decide which one is more important or more time sensitive. In other words, which ones do I need to get done today, which ones need to get done before work, and which ones can wait until later tonight or another day entirely. This list often includes(in no specific order) things like: Shower, paint my nails, homework, practice an instrument, exercise. clean my room/bathroom/house, laundry, make lunch, sew a project, write in this blog, pay bills, research something, and write a song. So I do everything I can before getting ready for work, then head off to my day job. My job doesn't always require a lot of brain power, so as I go throughout the day, I decide from my list made that morning, what I will do when I get off, if given enough idle time, I even add a few things to the list. Which is no help at all.  

When I finally get home, I have to make and eat dinner and by the time that is all done, I have what seems like such little time to get the things I need and want to do done. I find myself wishing there were more hours in the day. The hours tick by as I multitask as many things as I can and try to put off sleep for as long as possible. 

Oh to be one of those people who spends an hour preparing for bed. I use as much of my time as possible, then I hurriedly brush my teeth, sometimes shower, use a face wipe to clean the makeup off and roll into bed only to be unable to sleep as the tasks I didn't get done haunt my brain. 

Am I the only one plagued by these endless tasks, projects, chores, and needs? Am I the only one that just doesn't seem to have enough hours in the day or the ability to shut your brain off long enough to really sleep? My brain is the Energizer Bunny, bang, bang, banging on his drum as he endlessly runs around creating even more things for me to do.

There is only one time when my brain shuts off, when I am completely content with sitting and doing absolutely nothing. Where my brain shuts off completely or thinks of nothing more than what is happening right then, in the moment. That is when I am with people I love, friends and family that fill my soul with so much love that just being in their presence is more than I could ever need to be happy. I cherish those times, because the majority of my time is not spent in the company of these people, Most of my time is spent alone with nothing to do but think and think and think, or work and work and work. Or maybe even think, and work, and think, and work. Or any other combinations you can think of. Tis the life of an unmarried woman, is it not? 

In a nutshell, my day always feels unfinished. The ingredients for the dinner I planned to make sit in the fridge forgotten after eating the quick snack or sandwich instead. The paper with the half scrolled song lyrics, sits on the corner of my desk for weeks. The sewing project is packed away for later, sometimes never getting finished. And my nails sit chipped, bare, or misshapen for days on end. Even now, this blog is cut short because I just can't focus enough to even write any more. Too many things running through my head, and a story waiting in the background of my laptop to be read and edited for a friend. Sometimes I just need to say:

"Hey Energizer Bunny? SHUT UP AND GO TO BED!" 

The Many Adventures of Kelli and the Eight-legged Freaks

They have done it again. Those eight-legged monsters think that I am just the cat's meow. They can't get enough of me! And I hate them! Why do they do this to me!?

I have many and many a story of my run-ins with these horrible creatures, so I won't bore you with them all. Here are the highlights of this season's escapades. 

1. First I will bunch a few incidents all into one. They love to crawl up onto my arm or face, as I lay in bed trying to sleep. 

2. While at work, I discovered a spider in the corner where the wall meets the floor. Figuring that if I tried to squish it with my foot, that I would miss and it would get away, or worse, crawl up my leg. So, I grabbed the bug spray and after a test run to see how far it would shoot, I drowned that sucker in the poison. In my horror, it didn't drown. It didn't die. It came barreling out of the puddle straight at me! Attacking me! All I could think to do was spray it again, and again, it didn't work! He still came running after me. As my last resort I put the phone down (I had called my mom for moral support), tore off my flip flop and smacked the thing. That did the trick! :)

3. After finding many spiders in the tub, I now thoroughly check the shower before getting in. If those little jerks think they are going to catch me naked and unprepared, they have another think coming! On this particular day, I did my normal visual check, even nudging the loufa that had found its way to the floor. I found nothing. I turned on the water, got in, still nothing. It wasn't until I was shampooing my hair that I got this sense that when I opened my eyes, I would see a spider on the wall staring at me. Taking a deep breath I opened my eyes. I sighed with relief at the empty wall, but I still couldn't shake the idea that there was a spider, somewhere, creeping up on me. Slowly I turned toward the stream of water and looked down toward the loufa and drain. And there it was. The second biggest living spider I ever saw. Knowing that I couldn't scream for help, I finished washing my hair, and I've blocked the specifics from my memory, but somehow I got rid of it. 

4. This story doesn't involve a living creature but it was just as horrible. While lounging around on a so far pleasant Sunday, my father came in from the hallway carrying a small box. This wasn't unusual considering he came from his gun room and it appeared to be a case of ammo. He walked over to me and started to lean down to where I was laying on my boyfriend Weston's lap. Thinking he was going to show me something cool I was excited! I was sorely mistaken. As he leaned forward he tipped the box and I saw something black fall down out of my sight, between my chest and Wes' arm. In disbelief I exclaim "That better not be what I think it was!". Wes and my mother both look at me like a crazy person, having not seen anything fall. Afraid to look down where it fell, afraid to prove what it was, I lifted my arms and said "Get it off, Get it off, get it off!". Upon seeing the spider my mother exclaims "It's huge!" to which I reply "It better be dead!". Weston finally pics it up puts it on the napkin my mom has grabbed for her to throw it away. As she walks to the trash she continues to exclaim about how big it is. My curiosity gets the best of me and I have to see how big it is. Well folks, it was the biggest Spider I had seen.....until a few days later.....

5. A few days later....I was awoke that morning by an amazing woman named Jordyn Parry. I lay in my comfy bed, talking to her about boys, school, and life in general. the day was off to a very good start! After the phone call I was ready for the day, so I moved to the edge of the bed(which is actually my couch. It fits better in my room) and I prepared to get up and ready for the day. As I did, I saw something dart out from under the pillow my head had just been resting on. This spider was the size  of a baseball. I swear it. Ask my mother. She knows, because after jumping to my feet in fright, The spider was lost in the folds of my comforter. After staring at the spot it disappeared for a few minutes in panic, I decided the only thing to do was to scream for my mommy, hoping she hadn't left for work yet! To my luck, she hadn't and she came down the stairs to my rescue! Upon seeing the spider I think she almost lost her nerve, but as I held the blanket out of the way she smashed it with  one of my shoes and then picked it up to throw away. That folks was the biggest spider I had seen, and it had been chilling under my pillow, plotting its attack, for who know's how long as I lay there peacefully minding my own business! Evil! 

6. Last but not least the most recent incident. I was at work, finishing up the last minute cleaning. As I was straightening the hangers in the men's section, I came to the color I needed to put away and as I reached to fix them I barely noticed the spider hiding in the waist band, waiting to strike. Upon seeing it, I was in a dilemma. What the heck was I supposed to do?? If I tried to grab the pair of pants, The spider would fall into the leg and disappear and I may never find it. Best case scenario, it runs away after falling to the ground. That didn't seem to be a good choice. After a half hour of brainstorming, pep talks, and self deprecating remarks I finally grabbed a magazine, rolled it up, and prepared to strike! I got it position, swung the magazine, and bam! That sucker went DOOOWWWN. He somehow fell out of the band, instead of in and I hit him again, just for good measure. He fell to the ground and that was where he stayed. Goodbye, Sir. Good riddance. 

From now on I will try to post these adventures(this seems like an ironic word to use. Adventures should be fun, and this are horrifying). Nightmares is a better portrayal of the circumstances. I will try to post theses nightmares as they happen so it isn't too scary or extensive, when I do. 

Love You All,

And Goodnight, 

Kelli Hunter

A Promise is a Promise

Last time I came on here it was to post about a spontaneous writing challenge I had gotten myself into and then I got completely sidetracked. That happens to me quite often. Well this time, the reason I got on here will be a lot easier to write if I continue with my previous plan and tell you first about this Short Story. 

As I was coming to the end of my mourning period mentioned in my last post, I wrote a poem that inspired me to delve back into some creative writing. For some reason, lets be honest, because I was lonely. I decided to post on Facebook that I had decided to try some creative writing again. I should have known this would be a mistake. Almost immediately after posting I received a comment with a very specific writing challenge from, at the time, an acquaintance. The challenge was to write a short story that included these 5 elements. 

2 mute hobos (the antagonist)

A shifty eyed dog (protagonist)

A bowling alley

A bowl of rotten tomatoes

A broken wrist watch

I was given exactly 3 days to complete it and after some shameless flirting(the first flirting I'd done since the break up) I was promised a trophy, the likes of which I couldn't imagine, if I finished it in time. 

Well I did. I finished it and I sent it to my challenger. It was an interesting experience and although I'm not in love with the whole thing, The first page I am rather fond of. I will share that Excerpt now. 

One of Those Days: An Excerpt from The Empty One by Kelli Hunter

         As if being homeless, jobless, and mute wasn’t enough. I had to be a freak as well. I mean what else would you call a man, whose best way of communication was reading the thoughts of every living thing around him? Major freak. You probably don’t even believe me. Whether you do or don’t doesn’t matter. Truth is, I hear how the plants feel as they soak in the sun and relish its warmth and energy. I hear the animals as they beg for the love of their equally lonely owners, and the ever-depressing, horrifying thoughts of every man, woman, and child in this city. Can you imagine? Spending so much time on-having so much space taken by-the thoughts of beings and people who don’t even see you? Who have no idea you even exist? I think not. If you could, you would go crazy. Bat-shit crazy.

        

        Most days I actually thank God for the otherwise hardship of my muteness. Without it, I would have alienated myself much earlier and more severely than I already have. Sure, there are moments when I answer a question that hasn’t actually been asked. It happens more often than I would like. More than I can take. The way those people look at you. 

    

      How can people feel so many things in such a small amount of time? I see and hear as they go from pity, to confusion, sliding quickly into fear, in the blink of an eye. At that point, it’s best just to walk away. Let yourself be the topic of pillow talk, therapy sessions, and social media statuses, never to be thought of again; That barista at the coffee shop gets a brand new story to tell of the creepy homeless man who wrote her a note trying to cheer her up, when she had spent the entire day showing nothing but the most convincing smile, secretly crumbling to pieces on the inside; as does the old man at the bus stop who kept asking “God, Why am I still alive?” Because without Mary he just didn’t want to live. Wasn’t it his time yet? The telling look on his face when the strange man with the over grown beard, pulled his chin up with his grubby fingers and solemnly shook his head no, mouthing “not yet”. Yes, it’s best just to be a story told.

      It is not one of those days; when I thank God. I sit here watching the people as they walk by, talking on the phone, laughing with their friends, and flirting with the cute checkout girl behind the counter at the corner market. It just makes me angry. It begins as an ember burning deep in my soul, ignited by my jealousy, building into a fiery hot rage. IT’S NOT FAIR! I can hear every aspect of every interaction. I know more about each conversation than the people having them. I hear both sides; what they say and what they are too afraid to. And still, I will never understand. Never really know what it feels like to have my voice be music to someone’s ears, to make that smile spread across their face at the sound of my laughter, to experience the way a woman’s name feels as it rolls off my tongue…

      The sun is too bright, the voices too loud. It comes in waves, the pain. Eye-splitting, earth-shattering pain. Sleep. Sleep is what I need. I lay down, arms over my head. Huddling in the dark between two dumpsters in my favorite alley, thinking “maybe when I wake, if I wake, it will be gone and everything will finally be still.

                                                     *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Now comes the trophy. A few days after I turned in the story I finally was receiving my trophy. I opened the door to let Weston in and all I see is a giant deer head with giant antlers and a pair of human legs peaking out from underneath. It really was the likes of which I never would have imagined, it was hilarious and perfect. The best trophy ever. For the next few weeks or month I drove around with that deer strapped into the back of my car. Held in place with the seat belt, like he was just taking a ride. He went up to McCall on one of our many family trips and I  serenaded him many a times with my favorite songs while driving. We made Rednecks day with a responding thumbs up or "Hell Yeah!", made some people very confused, and made a lot of kids laugh. Oh and his name is Buck Russell Attorney at Law. Here are some of our adventures: 

Our first night together. How Precious!

I was getting pics taken to help sell the dress and Buck Russell just had to come along!

Buck Russell Attorney at Law's home for the first few weeks. I needed him handy for any photo ops.

When we went to McCall I thought he might like a trip to his natural habitat. My dad was such a sport in holding him up for these fun photo's! 

In light of a road trip that just didn't have enough room for him to come a long, he needed to find a new home, at least for now. He got a little sassy in this shoot. Work it girl! ;)

I just hope I can get him out for some more pictures soon. I think he is getting a little bored up there on the wall all by himself. 

Some Things Just Have to be Written

Well, well, well, it has been a long time has it not? SO much has happened since my last post. I don't even know where to begin.

At the time of my last post I was crushing on a guy, who clearly saw me as a friend. Again. This has happened to me quite often. Like I had many times before, I decided I was not that girl. That girl that sat and longed for a man that was obviously not into her. That wasted time. So I got over that crush and I call it that, because that is what it was. It was silly and ridiculous and not real. He is and always was my friend. One of my greatest friends. 

Who would have thought that immediately after my realization, I would meet a new guy? I met a guy, and a week later, he was my boyfriend. We dated for three months and broke up when he moved away for the summer. 

It took me about 2 weeks, 2 rather pathetic weeks before I finally had some epiphanies. He may have been the perfect guy like I had thought, and he probably is. Just not the perfect guy for me. I realized why we didn't work and why we never would have. I realized what I would have done differently if I had the knowledge I do now and I am glad that I had the opportunity to learn them and gain such a great friend.

I learned so many things about myself. I learned that I, as well, can be blinded and swept away at the idea of love. That I can ignore everything that makes me who I am at just the chance of someone loving me. I learned that in that way, I am weak. I learned that my self esteem is not always as strong as I think it is and I am too hard on myself at times. I am scared a lot of the time and I put others needs in front of my own, thinking that what I want doesn't really matter. Not because I don't matter, but because when people I care about are happy, I am happy. But it should go both ways. You should not be the only one sacrificing or giving.

I have had a lot of time to think recently and have been thinking a great deal about life and love. You cannot put everything you love aside and try to become someone you are not, just because you think that is what someone or everyone else wants. I never thought I would be that girl, but I was. I do think you should constantly be trying to change and better yourself, but for you only. Not for anyone else.

 I often think to myself that however my life goes, it doesn't really matter. I can be happy anywhere, doing anything. Because I can. I am a happy person. I choose to be happy. Even though I can be happy anywhere, doing anything, that doesn't mean I should sit on the wayside and not try for the things that I want. That is the fear again, sweeping in to help my casualness hold me back. I cannot let that happen. 

 I believe that you can't fall in love unless you decide, consciously or not, to step or jump into it. Otherwise you will spend your whole life standing on the edge of life, waiting for something that will never come. You can jump and go head first; step off and close your eyes, hoping for the best; do a cannon ball or even a belly flop. 

However you do it, you must be brave and maybe even a little reckless, because even if you hit the ground, you can get back up, dust off, and get ready to jump again- knowing a little more about yourself and what you want in the person to fall beside you. 

Your heart will not literally break. It is resilient and only grows stronger from the pain.

 Remember you cannot force someone to jump with you. You don't want someone who isn't willing to take a chance on you. If they are unwilling to jump or too scared, then maybe they have some more learning to do. Let them go and look for someone who is not only willing, but is so excited they basically pull you over the edge with them. Be fearless and take nothing less than you deserve. 

I feel like that should be a new thing. When you have been courting (yeah we should bring that phrase back as well) someone and decide you want to date only them, you should ask; "Would you like to jump with me?" or something to that affect. In your own words. 

This would not be a promise of forever, or that you would fall in love at all, but a statement that you are willing to take a chance and see what would happen if you give it a try. As if you are saying, "here, this is half my heart, if you give me half of yours we can see how they fit."

Man, thats kind of beautiful if you ask me. 

Well this is not what I intended to write about when I opened up this blog. I meant to write about my writing challenge I had this last week and how it went, but I got side tracked by reading my last post. 

Until next time,

Your Friend,

Kelli