Music, I Give You My Heart

It is only December 23rd and I actually feel like I have left 2014 in the dust already. After my second heartbreak of the year, I said screw it, and decided 2014 was dead and gone. 

Although I knew making big decisions when you are in an emotionally unhealthy state was not the smartest thing to do, I did it anyhow. 

Expectations

This past year and years before that, basically every year since I became a senior in High School (2008 people. Man, I am getting old), I have struggled with the idea of going to college. 

That is what you do. You graduate high school, go to college, possible go on a mission(I am an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Siants), get married, have kids, and live happily ever after. 

Somehow none of those seemed RIGHT to me.

I consider myself a relatively smart person. I love to learn new things and I have many aspirations. It's just that none of them include school. I love to learn, but on my own terms, and about subjects that I deem important. Thus lies my problem. 

I don't want to go to school.

For years and years and years I felt shamed and looked down upon for not pursuing a degree, or afraid to voice my lack of wanting to further my education in that way. Afraid that not going meant I was a failure.

Revelations

Growing up I saw mothers taking care of their children, and I was taught that the man should provide for the family, and that I should aspire to that. 

So I did. 

This does not make me a failure. Wanting to be a Mom and Wife first does not mean that I have no other aspirations. Just that those are the most important and everything else comes after. 

I will not apologize for that.

Decisions

I don't HAVE to go to school. 

Not going doesn't make me any less than anyone else. 

I can do whatever I feel is right and what will make me HAPPY right now. Not in the unforeseeable future. You would think that this wouldn't be some big realization, but it was. As soon as I accepted that, a weight I never knew was there, was lifted of my shoulders and I felt like anything was possible. 

So strongly due to the encouragement of my Uncle Dustin, I decided to pursue a career in the Music industry. Before this point a singing career was something I thought sounded awesome, but was never a realistic option for me. I'm a small town girl from Idaho, I'm not going to be famous. But why not? I have no idea if I have what it takes, I have no idea if it will ever work out, but by golly I have to give it a shot. 

So grudgingly I finished up the semester (just in case I ever decide to go back) and immediately threw myself into music. 

There is still much to do, and not as much time as I would like to do it, but I know if I put everything that I have into this, it will be worth it. 

When I really want something, when I really love something, I give it my heart and soul. The whole dang thing. I believe if you aren't willing to put all your heart into the things that you love, then you don't deserve them. No if's, and's or but's about it.

So Music,

 I'm not entirely sure how much left I have to give, but I give you every last scarred, bruised, and crumpled pieces of my heart.

Let's use it to make Beautiful music.