Confessions from a Recently Domesticated Single White Female

This is the first installment of what I hope to be a recurring post about the shenanigans of someone new to this whole relationship thing. You know, being the 'we', 'us', or 'they'. 

A little background. The beginning of this year, just before turning 24, I entered my first 'serious' relationship. In other words, for the first time in my dating life, I upgraded from the perpetual friend with benefits, to the girlfriend. Two and a half months later I found myself in the midst of my first break up, and now I am almost 3 months in to my second relationship. I know, it's a bit crazy. And I still feel like the rookie. The newbie. As November begins and the year is coming to a close I can't help but look back and reflect on everything that has happened. It's all happened pretty fast and sometimes the only way for me to sort through all my thoughts is to write them down. I hesitate a little as I post this. I don't want anything to come off in a way that I didn't intend it to, but I keep getting this nagging feeling in the back of my head that I should post it. I don't know why, maybe it will help someone realize some things about themselves. I hope so.

So here is a little sneak peak into what I assume is the collective mind of the Recently Domesticated Single White Female.

1. We will lose sleep, but its not your fault. When we leave your house to go home(or you leave ours), no matter what time it is or how tired we are, we don't go to bed right away. Once home, we have our personal time where we do our nightly ritual(s). Whether it be watching an episode of our favorite T.V, show, eating a snack(ok, ok, a meal), or taking a shower. It's not that we can't or don't want to do these things with you (except that last one, keep it clean people), we just are used to doing these things by ourselves. To get us ready for our sleepy time. Plus being around you is like our own personal for of crack cocaine and it takes time to come down off that high. So, compliment given. You're welcome.

2. We are insecure, forever and always. Ok, probably not forever, or always, but in our experiences, no one has wanted to or been able to stick with us. We have never had anyone like you in our life and every day we wonder how long it could last. How long will you be able to put up with us? It's not that we need promises of forever, not right away anyhow. But knowing every day, or every week, or just when you happen to show it, that for now, you still care? That's enough. That's everything. So, please forgive us if this comes out every once in a while and turns us into a basket case. It's not your fault, we are just crazy. Don't worry, it's temporary. It will go away.

3. Sometimes we literally just, don't, know. When we are sitting in silence, we aren't upset. Well I guess maybe sometimes we are, so it's great that you ask, but most times we really just aren't thinking. We are just content in where we are and who we are with and we are just letting our brains relax and relish in the good feeling of just.....being. Or we are thinking, but to fully get across our thoughts, it would take a couple hours and a pad of paper, to get it down just right, and convey it in just the right way. For example: We could be sitting there wondering. Just wondering. Wondering at how the heck we got here? How we came to be a we and how here you are with me and its good. We are literally in wonderment of our good fortune. That's probably the most concise way to put it. But do you know how long it took me to come up with that? At least one month and you asking 3 or 4 times. If we say "I don't know" that's what we mean, or it's the best possible answer we can give to you at the time, without blatantly lying. Everything is so new and we are experiencing it so fresh that we haven't had time to process and really be thinking much of anything at all. We are just enjoying the experience for what it is. Is that such a bad thing?

4. We don't know how to be vulnerable. I understand that isn't exactly something you have to know how to do, but I mean outwardly. We don't know how to be outwardly vulnerable. When we try, it's often incredibly awkward and often doesn't come out even close to what we were actually thinking or planning to say. And the question, statement, or act that may come naturally to you or others, is the complete opposite for us. It's like accidentally stapling your finger and then pulling said staple out, really, really slow like. You go in it all "Oh, I'm just going to staple this paper and it's going to be easy, everyone does it". Then, BAM! Staple in the finger and you're on the verge of tears and you don't quite know what happened. Then you realize and you feel so incredibly stupid but there is nothing you can do now, except pull that staple right out, wipe the blood, and bandage it up nice and tight. So if we are trying to be vulnerable or doing something that obviously makes us uncomfortable, try not to ask us too many questions, because chances are, we only played out so many scenarios while preparing, and if you throw one at us that we aren't prepared for, our brains will completely shut down and we will become bumbling idiots. Unless you think that's cute. Then I guess it's okay every once in a while.

Are there any other Recently Domesticated Single White Females out there? Did I get anything wrong? What have your experiences been? Is there anything specific I should talk about next post? Am I the only one in this "how the heck do I even do this?" boat? Comment below! 

Hey Energizer Bunny, SHUT UP AND GO TO BED!

You know those people who have their life all figured out, they know exactly what they want and they are completely content? You know, those people who go to work, come home, do the dishes, make dinner, watch some tv and then go to bed to do it all again the next day? I am not one of those people.

Me? I wake up in the morning, if you can call what I do waking up. I lay in bed for probably an hour before I feel I'm ready to face the world. As I lay there I file through the list of things I should or could do that day and try to decide which one is more important or more time sensitive. In other words, which ones do I need to get done today, which ones need to get done before work, and which ones can wait until later tonight or another day entirely. This list often includes(in no specific order) things like: Shower, paint my nails, homework, practice an instrument, exercise. clean my room/bathroom/house, laundry, make lunch, sew a project, write in this blog, pay bills, research something, and write a song. So I do everything I can before getting ready for work, then head off to my day job. My job doesn't always require a lot of brain power, so as I go throughout the day, I decide from my list made that morning, what I will do when I get off, if given enough idle time, I even add a few things to the list. Which is no help at all.  

When I finally get home, I have to make and eat dinner and by the time that is all done, I have what seems like such little time to get the things I need and want to do done. I find myself wishing there were more hours in the day. The hours tick by as I multitask as many things as I can and try to put off sleep for as long as possible. 

Oh to be one of those people who spends an hour preparing for bed. I use as much of my time as possible, then I hurriedly brush my teeth, sometimes shower, use a face wipe to clean the makeup off and roll into bed only to be unable to sleep as the tasks I didn't get done haunt my brain. 

Am I the only one plagued by these endless tasks, projects, chores, and needs? Am I the only one that just doesn't seem to have enough hours in the day or the ability to shut your brain off long enough to really sleep? My brain is the Energizer Bunny, bang, bang, banging on his drum as he endlessly runs around creating even more things for me to do.

There is only one time when my brain shuts off, when I am completely content with sitting and doing absolutely nothing. Where my brain shuts off completely or thinks of nothing more than what is happening right then, in the moment. That is when I am with people I love, friends and family that fill my soul with so much love that just being in their presence is more than I could ever need to be happy. I cherish those times, because the majority of my time is not spent in the company of these people, Most of my time is spent alone with nothing to do but think and think and think, or work and work and work. Or maybe even think, and work, and think, and work. Or any other combinations you can think of. Tis the life of an unmarried woman, is it not? 

In a nutshell, my day always feels unfinished. The ingredients for the dinner I planned to make sit in the fridge forgotten after eating the quick snack or sandwich instead. The paper with the half scrolled song lyrics, sits on the corner of my desk for weeks. The sewing project is packed away for later, sometimes never getting finished. And my nails sit chipped, bare, or misshapen for days on end. Even now, this blog is cut short because I just can't focus enough to even write any more. Too many things running through my head, and a story waiting in the background of my laptop to be read and edited for a friend. Sometimes I just need to say:

"Hey Energizer Bunny? SHUT UP AND GO TO BED!"