The Many Adventures of Kelli and the Eight-legged Freaks

They have done it again. Those eight-legged monsters think that I am just the cat's meow. They can't get enough of me! And I hate them! Why do they do this to me!?

I have many and many a story of my run-ins with these horrible creatures, so I won't bore you with them all. Here are the highlights of this season's escapades. 

1. First I will bunch a few incidents all into one. They love to crawl up onto my arm or face, as I lay in bed trying to sleep. 

2. While at work, I discovered a spider in the corner where the wall meets the floor. Figuring that if I tried to squish it with my foot, that I would miss and it would get away, or worse, crawl up my leg. So, I grabbed the bug spray and after a test run to see how far it would shoot, I drowned that sucker in the poison. In my horror, it didn't drown. It didn't die. It came barreling out of the puddle straight at me! Attacking me! All I could think to do was spray it again, and again, it didn't work! He still came running after me. As my last resort I put the phone down (I had called my mom for moral support), tore off my flip flop and smacked the thing. That did the trick! :)

3. After finding many spiders in the tub, I now thoroughly check the shower before getting in. If those little jerks think they are going to catch me naked and unprepared, they have another think coming! On this particular day, I did my normal visual check, even nudging the loufa that had found its way to the floor. I found nothing. I turned on the water, got in, still nothing. It wasn't until I was shampooing my hair that I got this sense that when I opened my eyes, I would see a spider on the wall staring at me. Taking a deep breath I opened my eyes. I sighed with relief at the empty wall, but I still couldn't shake the idea that there was a spider, somewhere, creeping up on me. Slowly I turned toward the stream of water and looked down toward the loufa and drain. And there it was. The second biggest living spider I ever saw. Knowing that I couldn't scream for help, I finished washing my hair, and I've blocked the specifics from my memory, but somehow I got rid of it. 

4. This story doesn't involve a living creature but it was just as horrible. While lounging around on a so far pleasant Sunday, my father came in from the hallway carrying a small box. This wasn't unusual considering he came from his gun room and it appeared to be a case of ammo. He walked over to me and started to lean down to where I was laying on my boyfriend Weston's lap. Thinking he was going to show me something cool I was excited! I was sorely mistaken. As he leaned forward he tipped the box and I saw something black fall down out of my sight, between my chest and Wes' arm. In disbelief I exclaim "That better not be what I think it was!". Wes and my mother both look at me like a crazy person, having not seen anything fall. Afraid to look down where it fell, afraid to prove what it was, I lifted my arms and said "Get it off, Get it off, get it off!". Upon seeing the spider my mother exclaims "It's huge!" to which I reply "It better be dead!". Weston finally pics it up puts it on the napkin my mom has grabbed for her to throw it away. As she walks to the trash she continues to exclaim about how big it is. My curiosity gets the best of me and I have to see how big it is. Well folks, it was the biggest Spider I had seen.....until a few days later.....

5. A few days later....I was awoke that morning by an amazing woman named Jordyn Parry. I lay in my comfy bed, talking to her about boys, school, and life in general. the day was off to a very good start! After the phone call I was ready for the day, so I moved to the edge of the bed(which is actually my couch. It fits better in my room) and I prepared to get up and ready for the day. As I did, I saw something dart out from under the pillow my head had just been resting on. This spider was the size  of a baseball. I swear it. Ask my mother. She knows, because after jumping to my feet in fright, The spider was lost in the folds of my comforter. After staring at the spot it disappeared for a few minutes in panic, I decided the only thing to do was to scream for my mommy, hoping she hadn't left for work yet! To my luck, she hadn't and she came down the stairs to my rescue! Upon seeing the spider I think she almost lost her nerve, but as I held the blanket out of the way she smashed it with  one of my shoes and then picked it up to throw away. That folks was the biggest spider I had seen, and it had been chilling under my pillow, plotting its attack, for who know's how long as I lay there peacefully minding my own business! Evil! 

6. Last but not least the most recent incident. I was at work, finishing up the last minute cleaning. As I was straightening the hangers in the men's section, I came to the color I needed to put away and as I reached to fix them I barely noticed the spider hiding in the waist band, waiting to strike. Upon seeing it, I was in a dilemma. What the heck was I supposed to do?? If I tried to grab the pair of pants, The spider would fall into the leg and disappear and I may never find it. Best case scenario, it runs away after falling to the ground. That didn't seem to be a good choice. After a half hour of brainstorming, pep talks, and self deprecating remarks I finally grabbed a magazine, rolled it up, and prepared to strike! I got it position, swung the magazine, and bam! That sucker went DOOOWWWN. He somehow fell out of the band, instead of in and I hit him again, just for good measure. He fell to the ground and that was where he stayed. Goodbye, Sir. Good riddance. 

From now on I will try to post these adventures(this seems like an ironic word to use. Adventures should be fun, and this are horrifying). Nightmares is a better portrayal of the circumstances. I will try to post theses nightmares as they happen so it isn't too scary or extensive, when I do. 

Love You All,

And Goodnight, 

Kelli Hunter

A Promise is a Promise

Last time I came on here it was to post about a spontaneous writing challenge I had gotten myself into and then I got completely sidetracked. That happens to me quite often. Well this time, the reason I got on here will be a lot easier to write if I continue with my previous plan and tell you first about this Short Story. 

As I was coming to the end of my mourning period mentioned in my last post, I wrote a poem that inspired me to delve back into some creative writing. For some reason, lets be honest, because I was lonely. I decided to post on Facebook that I had decided to try some creative writing again. I should have known this would be a mistake. Almost immediately after posting I received a comment with a very specific writing challenge from, at the time, an acquaintance. The challenge was to write a short story that included these 5 elements. 

2 mute hobos (the antagonist)

A shifty eyed dog (protagonist)

A bowling alley

A bowl of rotten tomatoes

A broken wrist watch

I was given exactly 3 days to complete it and after some shameless flirting(the first flirting I'd done since the break up) I was promised a trophy, the likes of which I couldn't imagine, if I finished it in time. 

Well I did. I finished it and I sent it to my challenger. It was an interesting experience and although I'm not in love with the whole thing, The first page I am rather fond of. I will share that Excerpt now. 

One of Those Days: An Excerpt from The Empty One by Kelli Hunter

         As if being homeless, jobless, and mute wasn’t enough. I had to be a freak as well. I mean what else would you call a man, whose best way of communication was reading the thoughts of every living thing around him? Major freak. You probably don’t even believe me. Whether you do or don’t doesn’t matter. Truth is, I hear how the plants feel as they soak in the sun and relish its warmth and energy. I hear the animals as they beg for the love of their equally lonely owners, and the ever-depressing, horrifying thoughts of every man, woman, and child in this city. Can you imagine? Spending so much time on-having so much space taken by-the thoughts of beings and people who don’t even see you? Who have no idea you even exist? I think not. If you could, you would go crazy. Bat-shit crazy.

        

        Most days I actually thank God for the otherwise hardship of my muteness. Without it, I would have alienated myself much earlier and more severely than I already have. Sure, there are moments when I answer a question that hasn’t actually been asked. It happens more often than I would like. More than I can take. The way those people look at you. 

    

      How can people feel so many things in such a small amount of time? I see and hear as they go from pity, to confusion, sliding quickly into fear, in the blink of an eye. At that point, it’s best just to walk away. Let yourself be the topic of pillow talk, therapy sessions, and social media statuses, never to be thought of again; That barista at the coffee shop gets a brand new story to tell of the creepy homeless man who wrote her a note trying to cheer her up, when she had spent the entire day showing nothing but the most convincing smile, secretly crumbling to pieces on the inside; as does the old man at the bus stop who kept asking “God, Why am I still alive?” Because without Mary he just didn’t want to live. Wasn’t it his time yet? The telling look on his face when the strange man with the over grown beard, pulled his chin up with his grubby fingers and solemnly shook his head no, mouthing “not yet”. Yes, it’s best just to be a story told.

      It is not one of those days; when I thank God. I sit here watching the people as they walk by, talking on the phone, laughing with their friends, and flirting with the cute checkout girl behind the counter at the corner market. It just makes me angry. It begins as an ember burning deep in my soul, ignited by my jealousy, building into a fiery hot rage. IT’S NOT FAIR! I can hear every aspect of every interaction. I know more about each conversation than the people having them. I hear both sides; what they say and what they are too afraid to. And still, I will never understand. Never really know what it feels like to have my voice be music to someone’s ears, to make that smile spread across their face at the sound of my laughter, to experience the way a woman’s name feels as it rolls off my tongue…

      The sun is too bright, the voices too loud. It comes in waves, the pain. Eye-splitting, earth-shattering pain. Sleep. Sleep is what I need. I lay down, arms over my head. Huddling in the dark between two dumpsters in my favorite alley, thinking “maybe when I wake, if I wake, it will be gone and everything will finally be still.

                                                     *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Now comes the trophy. A few days after I turned in the story I finally was receiving my trophy. I opened the door to let Weston in and all I see is a giant deer head with giant antlers and a pair of human legs peaking out from underneath. It really was the likes of which I never would have imagined, it was hilarious and perfect. The best trophy ever. For the next few weeks or month I drove around with that deer strapped into the back of my car. Held in place with the seat belt, like he was just taking a ride. He went up to McCall on one of our many family trips and I  serenaded him many a times with my favorite songs while driving. We made Rednecks day with a responding thumbs up or "Hell Yeah!", made some people very confused, and made a lot of kids laugh. Oh and his name is Buck Russell Attorney at Law. Here are some of our adventures: 

Our first night together. How Precious!

I was getting pics taken to help sell the dress and Buck Russell just had to come along!

Buck Russell Attorney at Law's home for the first few weeks. I needed him handy for any photo ops.

When we went to McCall I thought he might like a trip to his natural habitat. My dad was such a sport in holding him up for these fun photo's! 

In light of a road trip that just didn't have enough room for him to come a long, he needed to find a new home, at least for now. He got a little sassy in this shoot. Work it girl! ;)

I just hope I can get him out for some more pictures soon. I think he is getting a little bored up there on the wall all by himself.