Some Things Just Have to be Written

Well, well, well, it has been a long time has it not? SO much has happened since my last post. I don't even know where to begin.

At the time of my last post I was crushing on a guy, who clearly saw me as a friend. Again. This has happened to me quite often. Like I had many times before, I decided I was not that girl. That girl that sat and longed for a man that was obviously not into her. That wasted time. So I got over that crush and I call it that, because that is what it was. It was silly and ridiculous and not real. He is and always was my friend. One of my greatest friends. 

Who would have thought that immediately after my realization, I would meet a new guy? I met a guy, and a week later, he was my boyfriend. We dated for three months and broke up when he moved away for the summer. 

It took me about 2 weeks, 2 rather pathetic weeks before I finally had some epiphanies. He may have been the perfect guy like I had thought, and he probably is. Just not the perfect guy for me. I realized why we didn't work and why we never would have. I realized what I would have done differently if I had the knowledge I do now and I am glad that I had the opportunity to learn them and gain such a great friend.

I learned so many things about myself. I learned that I, as well, can be blinded and swept away at the idea of love. That I can ignore everything that makes me who I am at just the chance of someone loving me. I learned that in that way, I am weak. I learned that my self esteem is not always as strong as I think it is and I am too hard on myself at times. I am scared a lot of the time and I put others needs in front of my own, thinking that what I want doesn't really matter. Not because I don't matter, but because when people I care about are happy, I am happy. But it should go both ways. You should not be the only one sacrificing or giving.

I have had a lot of time to think recently and have been thinking a great deal about life and love. You cannot put everything you love aside and try to become someone you are not, just because you think that is what someone or everyone else wants. I never thought I would be that girl, but I was. I do think you should constantly be trying to change and better yourself, but for you only. Not for anyone else.

 I often think to myself that however my life goes, it doesn't really matter. I can be happy anywhere, doing anything. Because I can. I am a happy person. I choose to be happy. Even though I can be happy anywhere, doing anything, that doesn't mean I should sit on the wayside and not try for the things that I want. That is the fear again, sweeping in to help my casualness hold me back. I cannot let that happen. 

 I believe that you can't fall in love unless you decide, consciously or not, to step or jump into it. Otherwise you will spend your whole life standing on the edge of life, waiting for something that will never come. You can jump and go head first; step off and close your eyes, hoping for the best; do a cannon ball or even a belly flop. 

However you do it, you must be brave and maybe even a little reckless, because even if you hit the ground, you can get back up, dust off, and get ready to jump again- knowing a little more about yourself and what you want in the person to fall beside you. 

Your heart will not literally break. It is resilient and only grows stronger from the pain.

 Remember you cannot force someone to jump with you. You don't want someone who isn't willing to take a chance on you. If they are unwilling to jump or too scared, then maybe they have some more learning to do. Let them go and look for someone who is not only willing, but is so excited they basically pull you over the edge with them. Be fearless and take nothing less than you deserve. 

I feel like that should be a new thing. When you have been courting (yeah we should bring that phrase back as well) someone and decide you want to date only them, you should ask; "Would you like to jump with me?" or something to that affect. In your own words. 

This would not be a promise of forever, or that you would fall in love at all, but a statement that you are willing to take a chance and see what would happen if you give it a try. As if you are saying, "here, this is half my heart, if you give me half of yours we can see how they fit."

Man, thats kind of beautiful if you ask me. 

Well this is not what I intended to write about when I opened up this blog. I meant to write about my writing challenge I had this last week and how it went, but I got side tracked by reading my last post. 

Until next time,

Your Friend,

Kelli

Pep Talk From a Stranger

Today was straight up weird. On an average Wednesday, I roll into work late, work a few hours and then head straight to my second job, to work another hours. After that I go home and then right now I have Community Christmas Choir and then movie time. 

 Well today started off exactly like every other Wednesday. I rolled lazily out of bed and rushed out the door to arrive at my job, 30 min late. I should point out that this isn't an issue, me getting there late, because I am making the days numbers better by shaving half an hour off my shift. Also, I always get everything done on time. 

So, I arrived a half hour late to see a car in the parking lot. This isn't the first time this has happened, although it is the first time that there has been a car in the parking lot close to the store. When I got close I soon realized that lights were already on. Like I said "weird". 

I go inside and it turns out I wasn't scheduled today. Or this week at all for that matter. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, but my boss just had her baby and the person now making the schedule must not know that I work every Wednesday. Anyhow, yes it was weird, but it was also great! I left work and I went straight to my chiropractor and good friend Dr. Callis for a jaw treatment. After that I went home, did some laundry, tried to apply for FAFSA, and watched a little Dexter. 

Apparently I was having a late day, because I got out the door late and to my job late again that afternoon. Work was normal not busy but busy enough that we made our sales goal, so it wasn't too bad at all. This is where the weirdest part comes in.

 I finally rolled into Choir, again about 5 min late, and went and sat down next to my choir buddy. I am ashamed to say that I don't remember his first name, but his last is Brown. I sat next to and shared music with him last week along with his young daughter, who is about 8 or 9. He is a Bass singer and he has another daughter that is a year older than me. Anyhow, during the practice he told me that I have a very good and clear soprano voice and that I better not sit anywhere else. I thanked him for the compliment and we went on practicing. Luke Lords talked to us about listening to the CD's when not at practice but I don't have one so Mr. Brown said that he would copy his for me and get it to me this week. After practice he gave me his original music folder(he had temporarily copied the music for practice). The most amazing part of the day happens right here.

 Prologue: Earlier this evening while at work I had become overwhelmed with feelings of panic and anxiety and just plain fear. I fell to my knees and I prayed to Heavenly Father to please help me to be patient and to be strong and to know what to do.

 As he handed me the folder he said. "You really do have a lovely voice. You know, I want you to promise me something. Don't settle. Be patient and wait for the right guy to come along. A guy who tells you how beautiful your voice is and how beautiful you are, every day. Just don't settle. My daughter did and it has been a real struggle for her. So be patient and wait for the right person." 

I was overwhelmed with kindness for this man. To be willing to be an instrument in the Lords hands to answer my prayers and tell me everything that I needed to hear, was almost more than I could handle. I barely made it out the door and around the corner before I started to cry with gratitude. So often I wonder whether I set my standards too high, whether I overlook someone who is showing obvious interest because I just don't feel that...for lack of a better term....that spark. That spark that seems to only exist in movies and in guys that seem to have no interest. That spark that is most likely in my mind and not in my heart. Am I just using all these things as an excuse to not have to get close to someone, even though that's all that I want? I wonder, should I try to make it work? Could I learn to love this person, solely because they do or want to love me? Are the fairy tale's and stories of love at first sight, romance, and requited love, one in a million? Are my prayers really heard? And will I receive an answer? 

 I feel as though in this one pep talk from a stranger I had every one of these answered. As though a weight was lifted off my shoulders and I knew everything would be ok. I just need to be patient. To wait and in time, I will find the love that I long for and deserve. 

 There is that word, time, again. Since my previous post on time, I have had time on my mind. Time is forever. Time is never changing. Time is numbers. Time is Relative. And time is always changing. Time is so many things all at once. It's the one thing you can count on and the thing that you dread. It's the moments with your loved ones that you want to keep forever and the heartache and laughter that cause the wrinkles on your face. It's the risks you take and chances you overlooked. The gray streaks in your hair and the scars on your skin. Time is your best friend and your worst enemy. 

                                                              Man am I Feeling Weird
                                                                       Your Friend, 
                                                                            Kelli 

An Apple a day

Last week I learned something that I believe has changed my life. I learned I'd been eating apples wrong my whole life. I bet you have been as well. Turns out that every one of youb that eats your apple side to side is wrong. When you eat an apple side to side, you run into the core which you eat around. Once you have eaten as much apple as you can, you throw the "core" away. Well guess what? The "core" doesn't have to exist! If you take the stem out of the top of the apple, and procede to start eating it from the top, you can eat all the way through the apple and the core disappears. All you have to do is spit out the seeds. Is amazing! You should try it. Really. I just want to eat apples all the time now. This week I also tried whole wheat chocolate chip cookies made with apple sauce. They were some of the best cookies I have ever had! how could semi-healthy cookies be better than terrible-for-you cookies? It makes no sense! I didn't have any great experience or insight today?, but I did listen to the new women and jay-z cd's and man are they brilliant. Oh yeah! I did get my hair cut today :) I got bettie page bands and a fairly simple cut. Jessica showed me how to do victory curls and I like the cut very much. The victory curls right? They were a little big. ...we will see if I can find some fun and cute rockabilly styles I like. :) Lots of love for now, Kelli

Time Flies

There is a saying that we all know. Time flies when you are having fun. It is used mostly as a motivator to get someone who doesn't want to do something, to do it. As if telling someone to have fun will automatically make them have fun, which will in turn make 'time fly' and make their unwanted task be over before they know it. I will say that often times it works. It motivates people to let go of their worries or unhappiness and live in the moment. I would argue though, that time just simply flies. It has been almost a year since I have even looked at this blog and I feel like so much and yet so little has happened. Where has all the time gone? Shortly after I wrote the last post I did get that job at pizza hut. Having the uniform job and the new job at pizza hut I was working about 50-60 hours a week. For a while I was still getting some projects done (making scarves upcycling a few pieces and making jewelry). I even had a booth at Idaho's Biggest Yardsale. With taxes though, I made very little. Then I got tired. My room became a hurricane disaster and I was too tired to clean it up, let alone be crafty after that impossible task was over. For the most part my crafts were put on hold. Although my sewing crafts went to the wayside, I still tried to keep my focus on my music. I wrote one more song. I now have 4 original songs. 2 are silly and 2 are, well, rather good if you ask me. When I get inspired for a song, its almost always about a guy, or guys in general. I hate that. I want to write about so much more. There is a lot to life and I want to write about it all. But being a young single adult, my brain tends to get stuck on the lack of a relationship. It's not that I am not happy being single, being single is great, but I have been single a long time. It's no longer an adventure or exciting. It's now a chore. It used to bother me when people would try to set me up on dates, now I welcome it. This fact worries me. I'm too lazy or exasperated to go out and socialize that I am perfectly okay with people saying "I know the perfect guy for you!". Also how can I help but think, "What if they are right? Maybe this is the guy for me." Not that any of this is new for any of you. Just the typical single life struggles. I feel like dating used to be easier. At least that is what movies would have us believe. But hey, I've never been good at dating. It's a fact. I'm terrible at flirting, dating, reading signals, and sending signals. That's why I live very openly and never leave room for misconceptions. Anything you want to know, ask me, and I will tell you. On that note, although I consider myself an open person, I have realized that I don't openly hand out information that is not asked for. I feel that if someone doesn't ask me for certain information or opinion then they probably don't want it. It's hard for me to just assume that they would be interested in my experiences. I envy the people in my life who can so openly share. It's something I would very much like to be able to do. Is there some secret I don't know about? Some way to know when to speak and when to listen? I'm great at listening, but after you listen, do you also share? That's where I get confused. I don't want to be that person that as soon as you tell a story, I tell one too, and then all of the sudden I'm one upping you and you feel like your story got left behind and forgotten. So I sit. And I listen. And if I don't know the perfect thing to say, I say nothing. Well I went off on a few tangents there, but back to what is going on. A little over a month ago I quit pizza hut. But, I still work there. lol I gave my notice and my boss begged me to stay at least one day. So I work there one morning a week and it is nice to see my boss and make that little bit of extra money. Now that I have more free time, I have been spending more time with some friends and just enjoying myself. A little over a week ago, my brother Aspen, left on his mission. He is ultimately going to be in Mexico, but right now he is in Utah. I miss him a lot and am struggling with what to write him about but I will make it work. Since he has left my mom and I have moved me into his room(its much bigger than mine) and I have much more room and with a big new organized work space I am hoping to get better focus on my fashion ideas and get them rolling again. Along with getting back to that, I am pulling my guitar out of the case and going to practice more. I haven't played in 2 weeks. I need to be playing a few times a week. I am in a band now. We are nameless as of yet, but it will be a three person rockabilly band for now. I am going to be the singer and songwriter and that freaks me out. Being the lead singer is nerve wracking enough, but the song writer? I am not that good at writing songs! It is truly work for me to write a song. It sometimes takes me months to write one song and that is after I finally get an inspired idea. I'm feeling a bit out of my comfort zone, but I'm hoping that's a good thing. Talk about out of my comfort zone. My uncles set me up a while back with a guy in their ward. We went on a walk and then I didn't hear from him for a while. Until yesterday, that is. He called me and asked me to go out, and I'm perplexed, because getting together sounds fine, I just can't find a single night this week that I am free. How does it happen that most weeks, I sit at home every night watching tv, cleaning, doing anything I can think of and then everyone calls or wants to get together all in the same week? Now I haven't called him back because I don't know what to say. With my friends, BSU football, The band, Community choir and getting my hair done, I'm left with no time. How do people find time? And after everything else that they do in the week and day, how do they find energy? Energy to go out and laugh and be sociable with a stranger. That's hard work. So, yes, I think time flies. I have had some fun times this last year, and I've had some really bad times. No matter how I was spending the time, or how much I enjoyed it, I'm still here, a year later, and it feels like no time at all. I think if I vomit any more words and thoughts at you my brain might start coming out with it, so I will stop for now. I very much like my brain and it'd be nice to keep it in my head. I'm not even gonna proof read this and I'm not sorry. If it's painful to read, then I hope you stopped before now. If not, I'm still not sorry. ;) Lots of love, Kelli

Here Goes Nothin'!

Wow has it been FOREVER! Well I am now working at a Uniform store fittingly called Uniformity :) I am applying for Pizza Hut because Pier 49 has closed and although I haven't purchased my business license, I am finally getting started! The name is Kelli's Uh?piphany. Get it? Cause you say "uh.......what can I do with this???" and I have an Epiphany! Genius I know. lol I just started a Facebook page about 2 minutes ago and I linked it to here so I figured I should probably update it! Starting next week on the new year I will be doing something called Outfit Adventures! I will $20, no more, no less, and I will buy an entire outfit, shopping at thrift stores and sales racks. Mostly thrift stores. I will make videos and take pictures during the process and post them to the page. Also I will feature one item of clothing a week and show 7 different ways of wearing it, one for each day. I will be selling my jewelry and any clothes I get done on the page, and I will have a fun and thrifty outfit hopefully once a month. We will see, they will be harder. I'm so excited to finally be motivated and get this thing started! So Here Goes Nothin'!

duck poop water and puppets

So my last post kind of sucked.....big ones. but what can you do?? it was 1 am and i was tired. lol last night i finished a dress and redesigned a long sleeve button up. i think they both look pretty awesome! i don't have a picture of the dress but i have some pictures of the shirt, they aren't great, but they'll suffice. :) I'll try to get them posted tonight, but im too lazy to go upstairs so we'll see if my phone can do it :) today i went to the paddle boats and had a lot of fun. i got covered in duck poop water and used muscles i don't normally but it was fun. We got milkshakes, a pineapple one and utter was delicious! i hope my lactose intolerance doesn't make me regret it lol i also saw the puppets today, it was so beautifully corny. it was fantastic. :) now i have a headache and im tired but can't sleep. though I'll have a better go at it when i get off this ;) goodnight!

numero dos

Today is day 2 of my one post a day "challenge" of sorts. Not a whole lot happened today, I'vefelt sick pretty much since Sunday so i slept a lort this morning and then deposited my check in the bank. I've been wanting to put together a double date with my friend danielle and i finally called and asked someone to go with me. I feel like i passed a milestone. i finally asked a guy on a date. Afterward i realized it was a lot easier than i anticipated. lol On a new note, i love to use big words or just words in general that aren't often used, so i think i need to get myself a giant dictionary and learn more words! also i have always wanted to have the entire set A-Z encyclopedias. wouldn't it just be fun to read about random things? just start with A and go from there! work kind of sucked today, but it definitely could have been a lot worse so that's good. tomorrow i think mom is gonna help me with some sewing. hopefully i can remember to take before pictures, cause as of yet, i keep forgetting!! i started altering a dress and i think it will be awesome but i wish i'd remembered the before picture so you could tell what i did :/ i've also thought of new areas of fashion i can get into and i'm pretty excited :D