A Lover's Holiday, Hideaway

Being that I am a single (almost)25 year old, you are probably expecting this post to be about how sad I am to be alone on yet another Valentines Day. Although it is true, that is not the focus of my thoughts, this or any other year.

For almost as long as I can remember, I have not been a fan of Valentines Day. I guess, I remember liking it just fine in elementary school. We made tissue boxes, show boxes, and cereal boxes, into our little love mail boxes and waited to see how much candy and cards we would get at our class party. We hoped that the boy we had a secret crush on would give us a card(obviously not catching on to the fact that we gave cards to each and every person in the class and they probably did too). 

But before I was even old enough to hate the day for all the sad and lonely reasons most people do, it was ruined for me for what I thought would be forever. 

On February 14, 2004 Audrey Black was riding with her sister on a hay wagon being pulled by her grandfather and there was a tragic accident. She was killed instantly. We were in 8th grade at the time and on Friday, the day before the accident, it was our school Valentines Dance. I remember running around the dance floor with Audrey as she, not so coyly, tried to stay out of sight of a boy with a crush on her. She was too shy and polite, she knew if he asked her to dance she would have to say yes, so as the 14 yr olds that we were, we ran. All over the dance floor. Around and around, never staying in one spot long enough to be caught unawares. 

We left school that day, not a care in the world and I stayed that way all weekend, none the wiser until church 2 days later. I have never been much of a news junkie or morning person and that Sunday was no different than any other. I rolled out of bed just in time to get dressed and rush out the door to church. It wasn't until I got to Sunday school that I heard the news. I was sitting in class waiting for the teacher to start and my friend leaned over and gave me the news. It is something I will never forget. I was sitting there laughing and joking with my friends until one of them said "Kelli, did you hear about Audrey?" 

Confused, I looked back and said "What about her" 

And my friend with all the subtly of a preteen said "She died"

I don't remember much after that. In fact I don't remember the next 2 hours at all. I'm sure she must have explained to me further, what had happened, but there is absolutely nothing in my brain from then until I got home. I simply couldn't believe that she could be gone, I had just seen her 2 days before, laughing and happy.

The next thing I remember was running from the car, into the house to scour through the pile of newspapers we had left from our paper route that morning. Sure enough, there it was. Audrey had been in a train accident and had died on impact. I don't remember much of the next couple of weeks. I remember being sad. I remember getting frustrated when people would ask if I was okay. When I am so obviously not okay, why would you ask? Who would be OKAY, when their friend had just died? I hate that question just as much today as I did then. I remember the funeral, and I remember being a little disappointed that she had been cremated, because I felt I couldn't say my last goodbyes. 

Now, I am a believer of the after life. I believe that she is happily spending her days in heaven, but I think of her often and how the world is worse off with her gone. She was the sweetest, kindest person I have ever met. I completely understand why God would want her to come home early, but for purely selfish reasons, I miss her. Every time I have a new experience, I think of her.

When I experience wonderfully happy things, I think, this is something Audrey never got to do, or feel, or see. When I have a horrible experience, I think, Audrey never had to go through this. Never had to feel this pain. Never had her heart broken. She was lucky.

So every year since 2004, I put a rose on rock monument at the middle school, worked, and then spent the rest of the day by myself or with my best friend. Usually watching a good movie. Keeping it as uneventful as I possibly could. That was my schedule for the day every year until 2014. 

On the 10 year anniversary, I finally made it out to the monument at the site of the train accident to leave some flowers and pay my respects, and then I headed off to my very first Valentine's date. It was a wonderful date, straight out of a fairy tale. We dressed in our best Gatsby attire and headed to a party. The night included being fake bartenders, slow dancing on a table in the rain, relaxing in a hot tub, and holding hands with my(unbeknownst to me) first boyfriend for the first time. It was the best date and Valentines Day I had ever had. 

And that was the start of the most emotional year I have ever had. I had my heart broken twice and went back to school, quit school, started my singing career, and found some new passions in life. When I look back, February 14th is what started it all. After that day, my life and year were changed. I will never be that girl again. 

As the day approached this year, I was struggling with whether I hoped to have plans, or if I wanted to hide away by myself for the day. Every year before, when I did nothing that day, my life was smooth sailing. Perfectly ordinary and happy. Last year it was a roller coaster of events and emotions and self discovery. How could I not wonder whether this day was cursed for me. Would my life be much easier and less eventful if I just stayed in and minded my own business this year? Would easier, less eventful, and painless be better? Or just sad? Is the possible happiness worth all the possible pain?

Fortunately, my decision was made for me. My aunt called to ask if I could watch my 4 yr old cousin. He had told me "You are the most wonderful girl in the world", two nights before, so how could I say no after that? If you saw his face, you couldn't either.


*I realize that this post is now a day late, but better late than never, I say. Feb. 14th was as eventful as I hoped it would be and I spent it talking and spending time with just the people I wanted to. Hopefully this means it will be a fairly painless year :)