Well, well, well, it has been a long time has it not? SO much has happened since my last post. I don't even know where to begin.
At the time of my last post I was crushing on a guy, who clearly saw me as a friend. Again. This has happened to me quite often. Like I had many times before, I decided I was not that girl. That girl that sat and longed for a man that was obviously not into her. That wasted time. So I got over that crush and I call it that, because that is what it was. It was silly and ridiculous and not real. He is and always was my friend. One of my greatest friends.
Who would have thought that immediately after my realization, I would meet a new guy? I met a guy, and a week later, he was my boyfriend. We dated for three months and broke up when he moved away for the summer.
It took me about 2 weeks, 2 rather pathetic weeks before I finally had some epiphanies. He may have been the perfect guy like I had thought, and he probably is. Just not the perfect guy for me. I realized why we didn't work and why we never would have. I realized what I would have done differently if I had the knowledge I do now and I am glad that I had the opportunity to learn them and gain such a great friend.
I learned so many things about myself. I learned that I, as well, can be blinded and swept away at the idea of love. That I can ignore everything that makes me who I am at just the chance of someone loving me. I learned that in that way, I am weak. I learned that my self esteem is not always as strong as I think it is and I am too hard on myself at times. I am scared a lot of the time and I put others needs in front of my own, thinking that what I want doesn't really matter. Not because I don't matter, but because when people I care about are happy, I am happy. But it should go both ways. You should not be the only one sacrificing or giving.
I have had a lot of time to think recently and have been thinking a great deal about life and love. You cannot put everything you love aside and try to become someone you are not, just because you think that is what someone or everyone else wants. I never thought I would be that girl, but I was. I do think you should constantly be trying to change and better yourself, but for you only. Not for anyone else.
I often think to myself that however my life goes, it doesn't really matter. I can be happy anywhere, doing anything. Because I can. I am a happy person. I choose to be happy. Even though I can be happy anywhere, doing anything, that doesn't mean I should sit on the wayside and not try for the things that I want. That is the fear again, sweeping in to help my casualness hold me back. I cannot let that happen.
I believe that you can't fall in love unless you decide, consciously or not, to step or jump into it. Otherwise you will spend your whole life standing on the edge of life, waiting for something that will never come. You can jump and go head first; step off and close your eyes, hoping for the best; do a cannon ball or even a belly flop.
However you do it, you must be brave and maybe even a little reckless, because even if you hit the ground, you can get back up, dust off, and get ready to jump again- knowing a little more about yourself and what you want in the person to fall beside you.
Your heart will not literally break. It is resilient and only grows stronger from the pain.
Remember you cannot force someone to jump with you. You don't want someone who isn't willing to take a chance on you. If they are unwilling to jump or too scared, then maybe they have some more learning to do. Let them go and look for someone who is not only willing, but is so excited they basically pull you over the edge with them. Be fearless and take nothing less than you deserve.
I feel like that should be a new thing. When you have been courting (yeah we should bring that phrase back as well) someone and decide you want to date only them, you should ask; "Would you like to jump with me?" or something to that affect. In your own words.
This would not be a promise of forever, or that you would fall in love at all, but a statement that you are willing to take a chance and see what would happen if you give it a try. As if you are saying, "here, this is half my heart, if you give me half of yours we can see how they fit."
Man, thats kind of beautiful if you ask me.
Well this is not what I intended to write about when I opened up this blog. I meant to write about my writing challenge I had this last week and how it went, but I got side tracked by reading my last post.
Until next time,
Your Friend,
Kelli
